Both my husband, Jay, and I come from families where marriage didn’t last. His parents divorced when he was just 9. My parents waited until I was heading off to college.

The most jarring part of their divorce was how blindsided I felt. From the outside, we looked like the “perfect” family. Even my friends were shocked. I never thought we were flawless—but I also had no idea things were falling apart behind the scenes.

That experience left a deep question in my heart:
What does a happy, healthy marriage actually look like? Would I even recognize one if I saw it?

Fast forward several years—Jay and I had been married for almost a decade. I was helping launch First Things First, a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening marriages and families.

That’s when I discovered the work of psychologist Dr. David Olson, who had spent years studying successful relationships. His research changed how I thought about marriage. Olson surveyed over 21,000 married couples across all 50 states to identify the core strengths of happy marriages.

Top 10 Traits of Happy Marriages

(According to Research)

Here’s what Dr. Olson found are the most consistent strengths of strong, lasting marriages: 

1. Healthy communication
2.  Creative handling of differences
3.  A strong emotional connection
4.  No controlling behavior
5.  Open and respectful problem-solving
6.  Satisfaction with physical affection
7.  A good balance of alone time and together time
8.  Minimal interference from family and friends
9.  Agreement on financial matters
10.  Shared spiritual beliefs or values

The happiest couples communicate clearly, enjoy each other’s company, adapt together, and share decision-making equally. They’re not rigid. They share responsibilities, make time for one another, and grow through the challenges.

Olson’s research also highlighted a few powerful habits that set happy couples apart:

• They listen well and seek to understand—even when they disagree.
• They avoid personal attacks or sarcasm in conflict.
• They support each other’s growth.
• They prioritize time together but respect each other’s independence.
• They face problems as a team. 

In other words, happy marriages aren’t perfect—they’re flexible, respectful, and resilient.

Every couple faces challenges. Olson also identified the 10 most common issues that can weaken a relationship:

1. Power struggles
2. Stubbornness
3. Stress from parenting
4. Criticism and negativity
5. Feeling neglected or overlooked
6. Lack of emotional openness
7. Imbalance in responsibilities
8. Avoiding difficult conversations
9. Broken trust from a lack of follow-through
10. Ongoing, unresolved conflict

     

These struggles don’t mean a marriage is doomed. In fact, Olson found that how couples respond to conflict is a better predictor of long-term happiness than how much conflict they have.

My biggest takeaway from Olson’s research? It’s not about having a “perfect” relationship—it’s about having a connected one.

Happy marriages are built on trust, communication, flexibility, and the ability to face challenges together. The strongest couples don’t avoid problems—they work through them with mutual respect and emotional safety.

Whether you’re newly married or decades in, it’s never too late to build a marriage that’s deeply connected, resilient and joy-filled.

If you’re wondering what makes a happy marriage, the answer isn’t never fighting. It’s learning how to stay close—especially when life gets messy.