What if you’re struggling to respect or even like your spouse? What if your relationship feels more frustrating than fulfilling?

That’s exactly what one woman asked author and social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn after hearing her speak at a conference on—of all things—kindness.

Feldhahn offered a simple but powerful solution: The 30-Day Kindness Challenge.

What is the 30-Day Kindness Challenge?

The steps are simple, but they require intention:

1. Say nothing negative about the person—either to them or about them—to anyone.

    

2. Find one positive thing to praise or affirm each day, and say it to them and to someone else.

    

3. Do one small act of kindness or generosity for them every day.  

You don’t even have to tell the person you’re doing the challenge.

That same woman approached Feldhahn three years later, smiling.  “You probably don’t remember me,” she said, “but I was the one who asked what to do if you don’t respect or appreciate your spouse. I did the Kindness Challenge—and it completely changed me and our marriage. I had no idea how unkind I was. I thought it was all him. But once I started being kind, his walls came down. Now, three years later, we have a great marriage.”

“When kindness starts to flow, it’s really incredible,” Feldhahn says. “It’s actually a real-life superpower.”

She’s spent years researching what helps people thrive in relationships, and the findings are clear: How we treat others matters. Being kind when it’s easy isn’t the challenge—it’s being kind when you’re frustrated, hurt, or downright annoyed. Kindness does not mean letting people walk all over you. In fact, Feldhahn says, setting boundaries can be the kindest thing you do, especially in toxic or abusive situations. “It’s not kind to let someone destroy themselves emotionally by continuing destructive behavior,” she explains.

The Results

For her book, The Kindness Challenge, Feldhahn surveyed participants before and after the 30 days. The results were staggering:

• 89% of relationships improved

• 74% felt more love and affection

• 66% felt more appreciated by their spouse

One surprising takeaway?

“Most of us already think we’re kind,” Feldhahn says. “But we’re often totally unaware of how we come across. We identified seven patterns of unkindness and negativity—and every one of us has at least one.”

Exasperation, suspicion, sarcasm, pessimism, complaining, bitterness, and anger make up the seven patterns. When left unchecked, they can hinder positive interactions and relationships.

Most people start the challenge assuming the other person is the problem. But by Day 5, many realize how much they’ve been contributing to the tension without even knowing it.

When you start focusing on the good, you start feeling better about the other person. As Feldhahn puts it: “If you keep telling people you’re irritated, you’ll only feel more irritated. But if you look for the positive, you’re more likely to notice it—and feel it.”

Try the 30-Day Kindness Challenge Yourself

This isn’t just for marriages. You can do the challenge for:

• A spouse

• A child or parent

• A co-worker

• A friend

• An in-law

It works in any relationship where you want to see a positive change.

“It’s a training ground for becoming a truly kind person,” Feldhahn says. “And most people are shocked by how much it changes them—and the people around them.”

So if you’ve been feeling stuck, resentful, or just plain distant from someone in your life, give kindness a real shot.  It might just be the superpower you didn’t know you had.

Learn more or start the challenge today at JoinTheKindnessChallenge.com. The results might surprise you—in the best way.